It’s been a long time since I have posted, and much has happened. I have finally found a wonderful church who has been a very important part of my healing. For that I am grateful. I am currently in counseling with a certified therapist on staff at the church. Sadly, my marriage is ending after 23 years. My husband and I had been discussing separation, but I still had hope that things could work out. However, a circumstance arose that I believe was God’s way of showing me that my marriage is over for good.
The revelation of this issue in my marriage was a serious blow to my heart. I was, and still am devastated. My marriage had been through situations before, but none had affected me as much as this time. I asked my counselor why. Her response was that while I still had hope, this last issue was the thing that told me there is no hope left. I see that things will not change with my husband. It is a great loss, and there is a grieving process I will go through.
My emotions have been all over the place. I can go from angry to sad to being okay all in the course of one day. What I am learning right now is that it is absolutely okay to have what some would deem ‘negative emotions’ considering what I am going through. Personally, I despise the word ‘negative’ being put in front of emotions. Sadness, anger, depression…those are all considered negative.
I am also learning that it is okay to recognize that ‘today I am feeling…’. I spent years trying to fight these ‘negative emotions’. I have tried denying them, replacing them, wearing a mask, and outright lying. The only thing that got me was feeling even worse, both physically and mentally. I am learning to say ‘it’s okay that I feel…’ but to not let that feeling prevent me from doing what needs to be done. I find that accepting these emotions is far more freeing that trying to deny or stifle them.
Being transparent is important, so let me share with you something I did in the midst of this anger I have. I got so angry one evening that I threw a water bottle across the room at the wall. I don’t usually do that, but this was also before he discussion I had with my counselor about being okay with my emotions. Was it the best way to deal with my anger? Nope. I know that. But I had been told for so long that ‘anger’ was bad. So I kept stuffing and stuffing and denying it until it exploded. I went to church the next day and told someone what had happened. She didn’t scold me, or beat me over the head with scripture. She held my hand and said “I’ve been there. I understand, and I am sorry your are hurting.” Words such as those were more healing than any scripture on anger could have ever been at that time.
To make matters worse, I’m broke. Before my husband left, he was the main breadwinner. I’m only going to be working on an as needed basis, even though I recently told my boss I am ready for more hours. (I took a few weeks off until my husband moved out due to stress as I also work in an extremely stressful environment). My boss ended up hiring someone else. You know what? I admitted today, to myself, that yes, I am frustrated. It’s okay. By admitting my emotion, I was able to get up and do my dishes and a few other things, instead of sitting here, fighting and pleading for God to take the emotion away.
Being able to admit how I am feeling has been a very freeing thing for me. I am human, I have emotions, and it’s okay.